CONTEXT also influences how we interpret the "data"
Words, gestures, actions, behaviors, tone of voice, volume, lack of words/actions
Examples of bringing curiosity to the various parts of your experience as well as bringing curiosity to the other person's experience
REACTION: I notice I am starting to shut down.
Check in with self: What’s that about for me?
Data: I heard the words x and y.
Meaning/interpretation: I heard that as a criticism.
SKILL Check it out: Can you clarify what you meant by…. or
SHARE AND CHECK IT OUT: I am hearing it as a criticism. Is that what you meant?
FEELING: I notice I am feeling anxious.
SKILL CHECK IN WITH SELF: What did I hear or interpret?
MEANING/INTERPRETATION: I am interpreting your words to mean…
SKILL: Can I check that out? What was your intention in saying ….?
DATA: I notice you are looking away.
SKILL: Can I ask what is happening for you right now?
DATA: Hearing you say x and y
FEELING: I am feeling hurt
MEANING/INTERPRETATION: I am interpreting you are judging me as being too much right now.
SKILL CHECK IT OUT: Is that your experience right now?
DATA: Voice is loud, tone is sharp
MEANING/INTERPRETATION: The story my mind makes up is you are not valuing what I am saying.
SKILL CHECK IT OUT: Is that accurate? If not, can you tell me about what is going on for you?
FEELING: I feel hurt.
REACTION: I am starting to shutdown. I don’t want to do that.
SKILL CHECK IT OUT: Could we talk about what is going on without criticizing each other?
REACTION: I am getting defensive
SKILL CHECK IN WITH SELF: What's going on for me right now? What did I hear/interpret?
DATA: I thought I heard a tone when you said
FEELING: I am getting defensive because I actually feel hurt.
MEANING/INTERPRETATION: I interpreted your tone to mean I was being dismissed.
REACTION: I am starting to blame you
RESPONSE: I don't want to blame you. I am trying to be right here because I feel anxious and unsure
Notice the following themes when you communicate in this way:
The absence of blame towards others and yourself.
The absence of accusing, righteousness, and victimizing.
Ownership of your feelings rather than "you made me feel"
A sharing of yourself for the sake of understanding and connection.
Absence of winning, being right, or proving yourself.
Curiosity instead of unchecked assumptions, interpretations and conclusions.
Responding versus reacting.