Week 3
Life Work
Exercise one
A new perspective of yourself in relationship.
Write out a new perspective of yourself in relationship using your new understanding of the core principles we have been talking about: attachment as survival, attachment fears, primal panic, threat to our bond, and protesting. You might find it helpful to relisten to your recordings from week 1 and 2.
Use the following questions to do this exercise:
My incidents of relational distress or disconnection were due to....(hint: it is not about your partner or differences).
My unexpressed deeper feeling was...
However, the emotion I showed was...
My attachment fear was (i.e. the conclusion I was making: I am not valued, I am not seen, I do not matter).....
How I tried to maintain the bond was (your specific reactions or dance moves such as criticized, shutdown, blamed)...
My dance moves pulled the following dance moves in my partner....(anger, shutting down, attacking, blaming, criticizing, etc)
His moves then in turn elicited the following dance move in me.....
What I really needed more than anything from this person at that time was….
I imagine what my partner might have needed was......
However, on the surface, this all looked liked.......give a name to the cycle.
Bring your insights to our next Stay in Love session.
Exercise two
Developing your ability to identify your needs.
Using the following list and the 5 categories of needs below, see if you can begin to tune into and identify your needs more often.
Attachment Needs:
I need to feel and sense that:
I am important to you and that you really value our relationship.
I am wanted by you as a partner and a lover, that making me happy is important to you.
I am loved and accepted in all that I am.
I am needed. You want me close.
I am safe because you care about my feelings, hurts and needs.
I can count on you to be there for me, to not leave me alone when I need you.
I will be heard and respected. I will not be dismissed
I will be seen in my truth rather than through a negative appraisal.
I can count on you to hear me, to put everything else aside in the moment, or just for a moment.
I can ask for you, and that you appreciate that asking is hard to do.
It might be helpful for you to think about the 5 categories of needs in identifying your own needs.
Physiological Needs: need for physical contact
Need for Safety: Are you there for me, with me? Can I count on you?
Need to Belong to know we are loved: Do I matter to you? Am I important to you?
Need for Esteem: Do you value, accept, respect, and consider me?
Need for Self actualization; To know we exist: Do you see me? Do I exist in your heart and mind?
